cellular butt

一人上班老是放响屁,同事忍不住说:你能不能不出声?然后便见他坐在那抖个不停。同事问他在干什么,他答:我现在已经调成振动啦!


A guy at work often farted loudly.  His coworker couldn’t stand it, and said, “Could you be quiet?”  The coworker then saw him shaking incessantly in his seat and asked what he was doing.  He replied, “I’ve turned on vibrate!”

 

放响屁, fang xiang pi- to fart loudly

忍不住, ren bu zhu- to not be able to stand something

出声, chu sheng, to make a sound

抖, dou, to shake

调成, tiao cheng, to switch to, to change to (here, “turned on”)

振动, zhen dong, vibrate

explanation of “when ID cards are a thing long forgotten”

Walking down a city street, walking up the stairwell of every apartment building more than a few months old, you can see stickers and stamps reading “办证刻章” all over.   “Ban zheng” means to process documentation, and “ke zhang” means to carve an official stamp or seal.

Such stamps and stickers advertise the illegal services of producing fake documentation such as licenses, student IDs, certifications, diplomas, and so forth.  They also produce seals and stamps that are supposed to be the official marks of businesses on things like receipts and contracts.

There are all sorts of not so nice reasons that people have such documents produced.  But there are some relatively harmless reasons as well.  Especially in areas with schools, some people will have fake student IDs produced so that they can get good prices at local businesses and restaurants that offer discounts to students.

when ID cards are a thing long forgotten

一万年后,面对废墟墙上的奇怪数字,考古学家能不能想到那是办证号码?

 

In ten thousand years, when looking at some strange numbers on a wall of ruins, will archeologists be able to figure out what a “documentation processing” number is?

 

一万年后, yi wan nian hou- “in ten thousand years”

废墟, fei xu- ruins

考古学家, kao gu xue jia- archeologist

办证, ban zheng- “document processing” (producer of counterfeit licenses, certificates, ID cards, etc.)

explanation of “your TV miraculously fixes itself”

From 7:00 to 7:30 PM, the vast majority of channels nationwide in China broadcast the exact same news program.  The foreigner, not knowing this, assumes his TV is actually not switching channels, but the Chinese neighbor knows this is not the case, and he will once again be able to see a variety of programming come 7:30.

::Your TV miraculously fixes itself::

一哥们儿隔壁新搬来个老外,一天晚上老外敲门求助,说:“我的电视坏了,不能换台。”这哥们儿低头看了一眼表,很镇定的说:“过了七点半就好了”

 

A foreigner had just moved in next door to this guy.  One night, the foreigner knocked on the guy’s door to ask for help.  He said, “My TV is broken.  I can’t change the channel.”  The guy glanced down at his watch and calmly said, “It’ll be better after 7:30.”

 

哥们, ge men(r)- a guy

隔壁, ge bi- next door

老外, lao wai- a foreigner

敲门, qiao men- to knock on a door

求助, qiu zhu- to ask for help

换台, huan tai- to change the channel

看一眼, kan yi yan- to glance, to sneak a look

表, biao- watch

镇定, zhen ding- calm

explanation of “peeing in six easy steps”

The only thing to note about this joke is that it’s almost certainly not originally a Chinese joke.  I’m pretty sure I’ve encountered it on the web elsewhere before seeing it on the Chinese internet, and chances are that our protagonist, Little Qiang, was originally Little Johnny or something to that effect.

peeing in six easy steps

小强的妈妈教他撒尿的6步骤:
1。解开裤子
2。拉下裤子
3。把包皮往后推
4。撒尿
5。把包皮往前推
6。提裤子扣好
一天她走过去厕所,听到小强说1,2,3,4,5,6,她觉得自己教得很不错。
第二天她走经过厕所,听到小强很快速地喊道:3-5,3-5,3-5…

 

Little Qiang’s mother taught him the six steps of how to pee:

1. undo pants

2. pull down pants

3. pull foreskin back

4. urinate

5. pull foreskin forward

6. re-button pants

One day, the mother passed by the bathroom and heard Little Qiang saying, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.”  She thought she’d done a good job of teaching.  The next day, she passed by the bathroom, and heard Little Qiang rapidly shouting, “3-5, 3-5, 3-5…”

 

撒尿, sa niao- piss, pee

步骤, bu zhuo- step

包皮, bao pi- foreskin

explanation of “A surprise brother”

The joke itself doesn’t need any real explanation, but there are some notes about translation.  First, the Chinese version of the joke consistently refers to the older woman in the story as “the wife” (妻子) whereas in English, it feels awkward to write “the wife said to the daughter,” so we changed it to “mother” in most cases.  The phrase “小女儿的想法更酷” is a little funny too.  We can’t write “The daughter’s ideas were cooler.”  It doesn’t make sense.  This really means, “The daughter had an even better (cooler, more awesome) idea [than what the mother just suggested].”

A surprise brother

丈夫驻海外公办期间,妻子和四岁的小女儿在家。一天,小女儿跟妻子说:“我想要个小弟弟。”“这是个好主意。”妻子笑着答道。“但是,你不认为应当等你爸爸回来吗?”小女儿的想法更酷,“为什么我们不能给他一个惊喜呢?”

While a husband was doing government work overseas, his wife and four-year old daughter stayed at home.  One day, the daughter said to her mother, “I want a little brother.”  Laughing, the mother responded, “Good idea, but don’t you think we should wait for your father to come home?”  The daughter had an even cooler idea. “Why can’t we give him a surprise?”

驻海外, zhu hai wai- living overseas

公办 , gong ban- government work

更酷, geng ku- even cooler

惊喜, jing xi- a (pleasant) surprise

explanation of “the perils of textbook language learning”

The student has studied English language dialogues in textbooks so well that even in a life-or-death situation, the immediate response to “How are you?” is “I’m fine, thank you!” This unfortunate conditioning leads to the student’s demise.

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