Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

cellular butt

一人上班老是放响屁,同事忍不住说:你能不能不出声?然后便见他坐在那抖个不停。同事问他在干什么,他答:我现在已经调成振动啦!


A guy at work often farted loudly.  His coworker couldn’t stand it, and said, “Could you be quiet?”  The coworker then saw him shaking incessantly in his seat and asked what he was doing.  He replied, “I’ve turned on vibrate!”

 

放响屁, fang xiang pi- to fart loudly

忍不住, ren bu zhu- to not be able to stand something

出声, chu sheng, to make a sound

抖, dou, to shake

调成, tiao cheng, to switch to, to change to (here, “turned on”)

振动, zhen dong, vibrate

when ID cards are a thing long forgotten

一万年后,面对废墟墙上的奇怪数字,考古学家能不能想到那是办证号码?

 

In ten thousand years, when looking at some strange numbers on a wall of ruins, will archeologists be able to figure out what a “documentation processing” number is?

 

一万年后, yi wan nian hou- “in ten thousand years”

废墟, fei xu- ruins

考古学家, kao gu xue jia- archeologist

办证, ban zheng- “document processing” (producer of counterfeit licenses, certificates, ID cards, etc.)

::Your TV miraculously fixes itself::

一哥们儿隔壁新搬来个老外,一天晚上老外敲门求助,说:“我的电视坏了,不能换台。”这哥们儿低头看了一眼表,很镇定的说:“过了七点半就好了”

 

A foreigner had just moved in next door to this guy.  One night, the foreigner knocked on the guy’s door to ask for help.  He said, “My TV is broken.  I can’t change the channel.”  The guy glanced down at his watch and calmly said, “It’ll be better after 7:30.”

 

哥们, ge men(r)- a guy

隔壁, ge bi- next door

老外, lao wai- a foreigner

敲门, qiao men- to knock on a door

求助, qiu zhu- to ask for help

换台, huan tai- to change the channel

看一眼, kan yi yan- to glance, to sneak a look

表, biao- watch

镇定, zhen ding- calm

peeing in six easy steps

小强的妈妈教他撒尿的6步骤:
1。解开裤子
2。拉下裤子
3。把包皮往后推
4。撒尿
5。把包皮往前推
6。提裤子扣好
一天她走过去厕所,听到小强说1,2,3,4,5,6,她觉得自己教得很不错。
第二天她走经过厕所,听到小强很快速地喊道:3-5,3-5,3-5…

 

Little Qiang’s mother taught him the six steps of how to pee:

1. undo pants

2. pull down pants

3. pull foreskin back

4. urinate

5. pull foreskin forward

6. re-button pants

One day, the mother passed by the bathroom and heard Little Qiang saying, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.”  She thought she’d done a good job of teaching.  The next day, she passed by the bathroom, and heard Little Qiang rapidly shouting, “3-5, 3-5, 3-5…”

 

撒尿, sa niao- piss, pee

步骤, bu zhuo- step

包皮, bao pi- foreskin

A surprise brother

丈夫驻海外公办期间,妻子和四岁的小女儿在家。一天,小女儿跟妻子说:“我想要个小弟弟。”“这是个好主意。”妻子笑着答道。“但是,你不认为应当等你爸爸回来吗?”小女儿的想法更酷,“为什么我们不能给他一个惊喜呢?”

While a husband was doing government work overseas, his wife and four-year old daughter stayed at home.  One day, the daughter said to her mother, “I want a little brother.”  Laughing, the mother responded, “Good idea, but don’t you think we should wait for your father to come home?”  The daughter had an even cooler idea. “Why can’t we give him a surprise?”

驻海外, zhu hai wai- living overseas

公办 , gong ban- government work

更酷, geng ku- even cooler

惊喜, jing xi- a (pleasant) surprise

the perils of textbook language learning

中国留学生在国外的高速公路出车祸了,连人带车翻下悬崖,交警赶到后向下喊话:how are you?留学生答:i’m fine,thank you。然后交警走了,留学生就死了.

 

A Chinese student studying abroad got into an accident on a highway.  The car and those in it fell off a cliff.  A traffic cop arrived as quickly as possible and yelled down “How are you?”  The student replied “I’m fine, thank you.”  Then the traffic cop left and the student died.

 

车祸, che huo- traffic accident

翻下, fan xia- fall over

悬崖, xuanya- a cliff, an overhang

交警, jiao jing- traffic police

 

distrupting normal operations

小张乘公共汽车上班时钱包常被偷。一天,上车前他把厚厚的一沓纸折好放进信封,下车后发现又被偷了。   第二天,他刚上车不久,觉得腰间有一硬物,掏出来一看,是昨天的那个信封。信封上写着:“请不要开这样的玩笑,影响正常工作。谢谢!”

 

Little Zhang often had his wallet stolen while riding the bus to work. Before he got on the bus one day, he put a thick pile of folded papers into an envelope, and after he got off the bus, he discovered it had been stolen.  The next day, soon after he got on the bus, he felt something hard poking his side.  He pulled it out and took a look; it was the envelope from yesterday.  On it was written, “Please don’t play this kind of trick, it disrupts our normal operations.  Thank you!”

 

被偷, bei tou- to be stolen

一沓纸折, yi ta zhi zhe- a pile of folded papers

硬物, ying wu- a hard object, something hard

掏出, tao chu- to pull out, to dig out

正常工作, zheng chang gong zuo- regular work, normal operations

 

our house’s rat

孩子:“妈妈,这是什么?”
妈妈:“这是老鼠药。”
孩子:“妈妈,我们家的老鼠生病了吗?

 

Child: Mommy, what is that?

Mother: That’s rat poison.

Child: Mommy, is our house’s rat sick?

 

老鼠药, lao shu yao- rat poison

生病, sheng bing- to get sick

How much for the whole night?

一个男人问街边小姐:包夜多少钱?回:200元。再问:是不是怎么样都行?回:是!男的大喜:今晚你帮我到火车站排队买票去!

A man asked a street hooker, “How much for the night?”  She answered, “200 yuan.”  He responded, “Can we do anything I want?” to which she said, “yes!”  The man happily said, “Go to the train station for me tonight and standing in line to buy tickets!”

街边小姐, jiebian xiaojie- street hooker (literally, street-side lady)

包夜, baoye- whole night, all night (in this case, “the night”)

Money money money

一小朋友问一富翁说,叔叔你为什么这么有钱?

富翁摸摸小朋友的头说,小时候我爸给了我一个苹果,我卖掉它有了两个苹果,后来我又赚了四个苹果。小朋友若有所思地说,哦…叔叔,我好像懂了。富翁说:“你懂你妹啊,后来我爸死了,我继承了他的财产……”

A kid asked a rich man, “Uncle, why are you so rich?”

The rich man rubbed the kid’s head and said, “When I was young, my dad gave me an apple.  I sold it and got two apples.  After that, I got four apples.”  Pensively, the kid said, “Oh, uncle, I think I understand.”  The rich man replied, “Huh, what do you understand!?  After that, my dad died and I inherited his property…”

 

英语老师为了强调词汇积累的重要性,说:“一个单词用10遍,这个词就会跟随你一辈子。”教室最后一排的女孩闻听忽然念叨起来:“money, money, money…”

 

To stress the importance of accumulating vocabulary, an English teacher said, “Use a word ten times, and it will be with you for life.”  A girl in the back row of the classroom heard this, and suddenly started saying, “Money, money, money…”

 

小朋友, xiao pengyou- child, kid

富翁, fuweng- rich person

若有所思, ruo you suo si- pensive

你 懂你妹, ni dong ni mei- “What do you understand?”/”You don’t understand at all.” (colloquial, somewhat rude) literally, “You understand your sister.”

继承, ji cheng- inherit

词汇积累, ci hui ji lei- vocabulary accumulation

一辈子, yi beizi- for a lifetime